Dear Britney, Congrats! (And Sign A Prenup)


Axelle/Bauer-Griffin/Getty/Scary Mommy

Dear Britney —

A huge congratulations on your engagement to Sam Asghari! From a sheerly aesthetic point of view: ya did good, girl. I mean, we don’t want to be the girls drooling over someone else’s man, but we’re sort of the girls drooling over someone else’s man. Politely. From a respectful distance. But still drooling. I mean, Britney, you posted this to Instagram, girl, so you practically gave us permission to drool: 

Total. Swoon.

Even more swoon worthy, you’ve been together since 2016! And it’s hard not to fall for a guy with his story. Sam moved here from Iran when he was twelve, leaving his mama and sisters behind to join his dad, and says, “I had to leave my friends and family who I was very close with, and I knew I was moving away and never coming back.”

He fell in love with football, playing for one college team, getting cut, then playing for another. He hit bottom — he was working as a Best Buy clerk, a Gold’s Gym sales rep, and a nighttime bouncer, all on four to five hours of sleep a night, because this man has works it, lady — and decided he needed a change. In six months, he dropped 100 pounds, decided to focus on becoming a personal trainer, signed up for the Gold’s Smart Nutrition course, taught himself about fitness via YouTube, “completely changed” the way he ate, and began coming to work two hours early to squeeze in a workout. He was a personal trainer not long after. Like he wanted.

Uhhh… Britney, girl. Your man has a serious-ass work ethic. Like, one that matches your own — we’ve heard about those long hours you put in. You deserve a man like that.

Then after he got into modeling and acting, you met on the set of your “Slumber Party” video. He says you gave him “butterflies.” You were like, “Hi, I’m Britney,” and he said, “I’m sorry. What’s your name again?” He told Harper’s, “I tried to be funny. I don’t think anybody got it.” Super cute OMG. 

But most important? This dude is in your corner. 

Sam Loves You, Honey

Okay, we know that before, guys have said they love you, and then they’ve done you wrong, wrong, wrong. But Sam shows all the right signs and none of the wrong ones. He says he’s with you — but he keeps your relationship super private. Which is awesome, because he’s clearly not in it for fame.

You two have been together since 2016, which is a long-ass time in pop star years. And since then, he’s said, “Now it’s important for people to understand that I have zero respect for someone trying to control our relationship and constantly throwing obstacles our way. In my opinion Jamie is a total dick.” Can you hear us cheering? Because we’re cheering sofuckingloud. Then he said, “I won’t be going into details because I’ve always respected our privacy but at the same time I didn’t come to this country to not be able to express my opinion and freedom.”

Um, could he make a statement calling your dad “a dick” actually classy?! Britney, he just did. Keep that man.

He’s been following the #FreeBritney movement. He’s been pictured on Insta wearing a Team Britney shirt with a little lion emoji, because he calls you “Lioness.” So he’s super-supportive of your interests and super sweet. People have said he helps boost your confidence and assure you things will go well; he tells you how much we love and support you. In other words: unlike other BFs, this guy lifts you up. 

In fact, he says, “She motivates me more than anyone. It’s crazy how I can be humbled by a person like her… I’m always going to support her. She is another blessing that happened to me.” Awwwwww. But Britney, seriously: he sounds like he really cares. If his private face matches his public face, you got this one. You deserve it. And we are so super-crazy happy for you.

You deserve this man. 

You deserve support. 

You deserve love. 

But honey…

Britney, Get A Prenup

Okay, let’s get down and dirty, girl. We’d say this to our bestie and we’re saying it to you, because we love you and because we want the best for you. We’ve been with you since “… Baby One More Time,” okay? Some of us might remember getting in serious trouble in Catholic school for sort of imitating your outfit. Well, not the tied shirt. Still. We are here for you. So we’re just going to say it.

Get. A. Prenup.

Look. You’ll probably grow old together. Sam sounds like a totally supportive, super-sexy dreamboy who isn’t in it for the fame. But. Just in case. Girl, you been done wrong. You know it and we know it. And Sam hopefully knows it — he said your dad’s a scumbag, so we suspect he knows it.

And if he does, he will sign whatever document you hand him that protects every asset you have, down to your last fucking Vegas rhinestone. You’re bringing what we’re estimating is like, 60 million bucks into this relationship? Like, including a perfume empire?! (We did not know about your perfume empire, Britney. High-five on that). Sam seems sweet. Sam seems like a genuinely upstanding, good guy.

If your relationship ever ends, God forbid, Sam needs no rights whatsoever to the cash that you alone have earned.

None of this alimony crap, either. Enough asshats have lived on your dole for far too long (see: your conservatorship and the leeches therein). Don’t leave a loophole that would let someone else siphon off your cash one day. Sam says, “Thank you for your concern about the prenup! Of course we’re getting an iron clad prenup to protect my Jeep and shoe collection in case she dumps me one day.” Okay, that’s super cute.

He’d best be joking. For real.

After all the bullshit you’ve been through, we’re not here for more.

Sam, we’re talking to you now. You treat our girl with respect. You treat her with love. You do not use her fame to advance your own goddamn career. We do not care about you. You are Mr. Britney-fucking-Spears. Do you know who Stedman Graham is? He’s Oprah Winfrey’s boyfriend — since 1986. And you don’t know who the fuck he is. His Wikipedia page is bare. Take a lesson, son.

You’re hot and you seem sweet and you’ve got a great origin story. Stand behind our girl. Lift her up. Love her. Sign whatever document she asks. And she’ll ask, right Britney?! 

Back to you, Brit. We love you. We’re Team Britney and we’ll always be Team Britney. Congratulations. It sounds like you finally found a guy worthy of you.

But make him sign that prenup anyway, love.

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